Blahhhh.

Hmm. I'm not sure what to say.
I'm a bit crazy.
A bit bipolar
Feeling like I don't really give a crap about anything you say. But I still talk to you.
Feeling like I miss you like hell. But scared to death I will hurt you.
Feeling like a liar. But having said barely anything all day.
Feeling lost, lonely.
Unsure of what to do next, where to go. What to hope for, to live for.
Thanks for getting me through these past few weeks. Or months. I can't tell how much time goes past anymore, it all blurs together into one massive blob of thoughts.
Soon I won't be able to tell apart today from tomorrow from yesterday.
Wasting all time, doing nothing. Yet feeling no regret, no remorse for anything I've done. More just a heavy heart filled with thoughts and analysis of life.
What does it all mean? Am I just going crazy?
Maybe I do have a purpose. Maybe.
This paranoia is starting to eat away at the very depths of my life.
Yet I cannot do anything except think about it further, analyse it more. Beat myself up over things that won't change any aspect of anything. Regret is not the right word. I do not know what is, but it is no regret. I don't know what I think.
I cannot comprehend anything.
I just wish I could disappear off far away. And be with the one I love. But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Boredom/Procrastination

Do you know how I feel, inside...

Firstly, I'm bloody tired right now so don't grill me if this doesn't make any sense.

It's been a long day. I feel like it's tomorrow already. Been sleeping like crap for the past few days. Or weeks. Or months. I don't remember anymore. Every day has just been a crazy blur. Just one day, after another, after another.... Suddenly all the procrastination is catching up on me. The put-off assignments, essays, orals. The stress of work. All that combined with the stress of friendship. Relationships.

Fear of screwing up and losing someone. Fear of failure. Fear of sleeping. Fear of living.
Distrust. Dishonesty. Not knowing who's true, who really is a friend. Not knowing who's jst using you to get answers for some school crap

Meh. Well i'm just waiting for the meteor shower right now. it's taking it's time. so it signing in to msn. bleugh.

random story part...

He took my hand in his own and gazed up into the night sky
'The stars, they shine bright and beautiful. I once thought nothing could ever surpass the beauty of the evening sky. But now...' He turned slowly to face me.
'Now I know better, now I know for sure. There is something more. I'll never look away; your beautiful eyes, they bind me.' He leant down and kissed me on the lips, slowly, sweetly, entertaining the soft gentle moment. He broke the kiss and eased in slowly towards my ear.
'I love you,' he whispered. I was in a state of shock/calm. I didn't know what to say. 'I love you too ' ran through my head as I heard the shot. His gentle body was suddenly heavy against my own, heavy but limp, my shirt growing wet with the passing slow seconds: that was the last thing I could feel before I fainted

I'm Meltingggggggg..............

My GOSH. It is so damn hot today... And it's only getting worse. I don't think I can stand it any longer....

School uniform Really Sucks. Keeps all the heat in, keeps your sweat all over you.

In my hand, I hold my heart.

This bleeding mess of muscle, blood, veins, and whatnot

Torn out from my bleak, hollow chest

Handed to you on a silver platter

Thrust at you upon my lifeless hand

With this gift comes my mind

My brains served on a table for two

Me and you

Soft and full of thoughts and skill

Everything I thought for you

Every dream and lust of you

Handed to you

On another silver platter

Feelings that I cannot control haunt me every day

A jagged dagger through my heart.

But my body has evolved to fit around it

So it no longer hurts

It just sits there

But it no longer hurts

A long day... but it's almost the weekend...

ANOTHER day gone... almost. Well I suppose there's still about a quarter left.. But the main school part is over.
Been doing a lot of thinking... Thinking I would rather not do, but it seems sort of important. (besides that truck load of school work i've been meaning to do...)

It's hard to go to school every day, and see the two of them. Every day. Together. It burns a hole through me. Yet I can't bear to not look, to not talk. I can't stand it.
There's a part of me that wishes I could rush over, punch the hell out of him, and leave him. But I know that she would be so hurt....
There's another part of me that wants to completely freak at them both. Scream, Cry, Slap the hell. But that's not gonna work.
I want to cry. To stay home, to never go to school. But I feel weak in just thinking so.
I want to be brave. To be happy. To forget. But again, it's not going to happen.
Nothing is going to happen. And so I will just have to be like this.
But I can't stand it. It's driving me insane. I'm stuck in this horrible circle of Want vs Need vs Whatever-the-hell-I-have-no-idea.....

School is giving me hell. Just the fact it IS school is giving me hell. I can't stand it. The workload. The people. The constant feeling of not being myself, pretending to be someone who i'm not. The feeling of loneliness, even when i'm surrounded by people. The want to run, to hide, but the inability to move. It's terrible. The couples... Everywhere. Hugging, flirting, doing all those things that couples like to do. It's absolutely horrible.

I don't feel motivated to do anything. Work, study, learn. Maintain friendships. Hug. Talk. Chat. I'm obsessed about this one person, who is almost all I can think about for the majority of the time. She's all that i'm interested in. Everything else seems like a blur, a non-existent, unimportant rush of time and matter. I don't know anymore. What's worth living for; what's worth dying for. I mean, everything's just gonna disappear one day, right? Blown up in the sun, or the majority wiped out by some crazy illness, or climate change (like an iceage or a huge drought or something), or some other crazy shit. So what is the point... so what if we develop all these amazing technologies, so what if we invent something new every day... what do we ultimately obtain. Life is short. But it's the longest thing you'll ever have. And I still don't fully understand my own opinion on this matter. (or any other matter...)

People come and people go.
Some people stay. Some people scar. Some people disappear. Some people are forgotten.

I... I just really need a person to talk to. But the problem is that I can't open up in the first place.
And i'm stuck in this neverending cycle of confusion, idiocy, etc, that's just gonna kill me one day. And if that doesn't kill me, something will anyway. So I suppose it ultimately doesn't make a difference.

New music, new day, old habits

2 am.

i feel...
tired & awake
happy & sad
bored, yet having a great time
concerned and 'i-don't-give-a-crap'

so blah xD O_O x_X idk what i'm doing anymore...

I feel cool in the morning, pretty much chillax until i see them, together,, as a couple...

then i break
                  bit
                        by
                             bit
                                     and my world has come crashing down.

not the mere fact that they are together. everything. that little kiss on the lips. that look into each other's eyes. that tight embrace, the loving grasp of one another's hand when walking down a corridor, everything.
combined with the fact that nothing can be done
a break-up will solve nothing, only filling me with the guilt of tearing apart a relationship for my selfish needs
a punch-up will solve nothing, make people hate me more, get in heaps of crap
the list goes on but my mind is dying....

i just wished that it could end. but what good will it do.....
existentialism
seems good
there is no point to anything. really, what's the point in living if we're all just gonna die...

Happy Halloween!!!

Well..... not really.

I don't really celebrate Halloween... mostly 'cos noone else here does. And I dunno...

Eugh. I can't get my words out on the page.