Empty Dreams (and random thoughts).

Graduation

2010-10-27T05:06:00.001-07:00

The end is nigh.

I need to sort out my feelings...

Rage

2010-10-12T01:11:00.001-07:00

goddamnfuckinghell
iwannaripthisupintolittleshredsandburn'em
waytogetmyhopesupandcrushthemagain
nowwhatamigonnadofuckinghell
a;lsdfkj;alskdjf;asiejwirwoeirwoirjelakdfsjfksjkdfjasdhfsadf.

The End.

2010-09-28T02:44:00.001-07:00

It is so close, so very close to the end.

I'm not sure what will happen
it is so hard to tell.

I know I should work hard and get the best possible mark
but I feel like... I can't be fucked..

Help? Please?

Wednesday

2010-09-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

8, September 2010
12:41 AM

What am I doing here?
Who am I
What have I done
What am I doing

I can feel it every day since,
Destruction and sadness everytime an appearance is made

Honestly

2010-08-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

Where to begin,
When will it end?
This onslaught will kill
Or be killed in the process.

Honestly there is no care...

Enough; Slay this madness

Of an ongoing feud. Bring forth

Many a victim; once again,

Shall taste the malevolence.

Honestly there is no cure...

Come again, and meet once more

At the beginning of the end

Of this time. Come forth,

And right your many wrongs.

Honestly there is no way...

Listen; hear the spoken words

From a past time, many times and again.

When the patience was there

And once was Love true.

Honestly there is no future...

Inception

2010-08-06T19:31:00.001-07:00

You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where the train will take you?

Because we'll be together.

Avenged foREVer.

2010-08-04T06:25:00.000-07:00

Listening to Nightmare on repeat. I love this album. I love all their songs.
Litho arrived yesterday; Booklet arrived today. It is beautiful; it is Love.
I will take plenty of pictures my friends, of the love :D

Thinking so much.

I really need to start trying. Otherwise I really will be screwed.

Uni!

2010-07-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

Just note to self...
satac
314161: chemical engineering
314552: med/surgery
324291: nano
:( so limited

Hehehehehe

2010-07-16T04:03:00.001-07:00

Ugh.

2010-07-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

Angry
so angry
not allowed attitude
then don't get fucking pissy with me you bitches
hate you all
don't you understand
when ever this happens
there's a hook in my back
it drags me to where i left off
in that fucking hole of spirally thoughts
god i really want to
but i can't
i shouldn't
i can

i shouldn't
i want to
i shouldn't want to
it feels so good when i do that freaking life, there's life in this body and i can watch it happen, watch it leave me, it will return i know
i wish sometimes that it wouldn't
that one day it will happen and i can sit there and watch it like when i go to the hospital
and there's a tube draining lifeline away
it could be like that

WHAT THE JAZZ?!

2010-07-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

So.

Arm.

I don't like you.

Stop hurting!

*stab*

Doctor says I have tennis elbow

I DONTPLAY TENNIS D:

hahas

Nah. But what/?! I do push ups. That's about it. I carry my school bag. So why is it getting worse?

stupid arm.

Freeze!

2010-07-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

Today.. well tonight
is going very very slowly.

It seems kind of serene...

And we will talk and listen
And we shall understand
One day we may meet and share this time
One day we may see this, more evolved
This is something beautiful, something precious
This is something lively, something cherished

I'm not giving up on a day away
This crystal clear image my mind would like to portray
Maybe in the future, some day.
With hope we shall neither change our minds,
Coming across something strong, divine
Can only last as long as we are entwined

Nothing shall ever be the same
Nothing I wish to be different
Only better, greater, stronger
Only more powerful, longer lasting

I will be yours,
Who will be mine?

2010-07-07T02:48:00.001-07:00

ok nevermind they are not my friends

i am not kidding myself

little introverted shit...

2010-07-07T02:44:00.001-07:00

do you know what is really lame

seeing all your friends having fun at a party that you didn't even know was on... Lol.

what is wrong with me now.. o.o

Piano

2010-07-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, grade eight is done and gone.
Officially a grade 8 pianist.
All these long years
and now, no more... what?

Makes me think, again, how soon high school will be over too.

Now what..

'Round again 'round again circles

2010-07-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

I feel a permanent dejavu. I swear you said you'll give up when you never stop trying.
You call me a liar, tell me that I fucked with you when not two days before or two days after i was the love of your life. You didn't mean it. Guess what. I do not know what you do or do not mean anymore. I am not making decisions for you. You have to make the decision. I am not going to be a scape goat again I will not play the victim or that who causes pain. I have other things to worry about and this does not rank high on my list right now. I pay money to do my exam, I will do well. I will not put up with this. I study hard. I will try. I will get the best possible score I can get. And live my life. I will not let this recurring nightmare affect me. I feel it gets better and then it's brought up again. I cannot do this, so I will not.

-end rage-

Awwwwhh (: ++ Formal!!

2010-07-02T04:29:00.000-07:00

Reading through a random page (GMH? or something similar) I cam across the following response:
from http://www.sixbillionsecrets.com/view/Secrets/108992?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter , 2/7/2010

"Here's your defense now:

1. You're beautiful no matter how repulsing you look, because beauty is something that appearance can never define. It comes from the courage and resilience you have when you thought you couldn't be weaker; that spark that, no matter how good or evil, is individually yours; it comes from all your faults, quirks, mistakes, pain, joy, laughter, and secrets you harbor inside, this one included; it comes from your strength to tell someone, many people eve, your secret; and it comes from simply being a living human being, because life, no matter where you find it, is so stunningly beautiful words cannot describe. That light of life also makes you physically beautiful. What is considered pretty, hot, or cute was created by people. Flawed, misunderstanding people. Beauty is something that exists in everything, even though it may not be found by every person, and two people may not find the same beauty in one thing, one person. There is beauty in your appearance, even if society, a flawed institution, can't see it. Even your peers don't see it. Even, if not especially, you don't see it. There is somebody out there in world - many people, in fact - that will see you and find something beautiful. What those people will or are finding are really there, not simply lies to make you feel better. If you work on it, and it will be a painfully challenging job (trust me, I've been in that position), you can even learn to see it too, regardless of what those around you claim. I was able to, and no matter how buried and underground it is, you have it in you, too.

2. You have a right to be here: on this Earth, in your country, in your state, in your county, in your town, on your street, and in your house. Nothing can change that, no matter how horrifying the mistake or devastating the flaw. It was given to you the second you screamed your first breath. From that moment, the coding within your DNA and the storms of the air around you created a person so beautiful that nothing could begin to describe it, and as individual as the snowflakes that would fall, somewhere in the world, during your first year. Everything ahead of you, from everyday choices to loss and grief, would continue to write out your own personal identity. You become your own person, slowly and sometimes unsure.

3. Nobody else in this universe, dead or alive, is exactly like you. Nobody else sees the world as you do, experiences things like you, thinks just like you, talks exactly like you, or does what you do. Nobody, even, makes their mistakes just like you, destructs yourself and others like, hurts like you, and nobody cries exactly the same way you do. Most importantly, nobody loves exactly like you, cares just like you, helps like you, perseveres like you, creates like you, and most importantly, nobody can contribute to the world just like you do. This very sense of individuality doesn't just give you a right to be here; it gives you a purpose, meaning and reason for being here.

4. “You gotta remember in the entire history of the universe ... you’re the only ‘you’ that has ever existed and ever will exist,” Morrison said. “... there’s nobody in existence who is you, and no one can ever see the world the way you see it and can tell the rest of us how it looks. And it might be so different and so beautiful that it changes everything.” - Grant Morrison, Comic Con 2008

5. You are loved, and you are inherently lovable and capable of loving other people. Despite this evolutionary ability, believing you are lovable or worth loving can be hard, and loving yourself near impossible. You find flaws in yourself that are both noticeable and not, and you bear yourself over the smallest of mistakes. Many people, myself included at one time, even come to the conclusion that world would be much better off without us, or that we are simply an annoying burden that brings others down. We ignore our right to be alive, and forget our individuality, our purpose and meaning. We shower and bathe in self-self hate. Sometimes, in the midst of this, we are given people that are hard to love. They come to us with addictions, raging illnesses of the brain, characteristics that irritate us, and chronic or frequent illness. Things that we may very well struggle with ourselves. Though it can be very hard and painful, we find a way to love and care for these people, that often appear in our own family. We find good in them, and that gets us through. Yet, we can rarely do the same for ourselves. The love we have in us is strong, as it must be to survive such issues. So, it is not an issue of strength, weakness, courage or innate ability. All of us have all of that. It is an issue of what is drilled into our brains from first breath. That some mistakes are only made by weak, bad, and defective people. The comments and opinions of people who can't see the type of beauty in you (see #1). False expectations of you should be able to do that or that's no big deal that ignores our own unique wiring and build. Messages that say some humans are less than, no matter if you fit that ground or not. Symptoms that people mistake for laziness or cruelty. Stereotypes we must fill, good or bad. And the idea that any human deserves death. These forces are all creations of humans just as flawed and messed up as you, and the venom they give you holds no water in logic. Knowing that won't make it hurt any less; but it needs to be known that internally, under all that rubble, there is something in you that is lovable, from the basic beauty of being alive to the parts of you that shine under the dark. You may not believe it, and, for now, that is OK. Just know that I believe it's there, and I can see it through the screen. I love you, no matter what.

With Love,
Erika

PS: Nobody does it for me, either."

Never ever read a response so long and thoughtful :) Kudos to you.

ok so FORMAL :D

Best night, ever.

And only the night, because my GOD the day was stressful enough!

Once my dress was on, make up done, and waiting for the limo, I felt a sense of freedom.

This was my night. This was a night of fun. This was our night, the year 12 night.

Seeing Matt, Franki in their formal clothes was just stunning. Walking up the driveway to Lillian's house in anticipation. Seeing Lilz' Fong looking stunning.

The limo comes, and the driver, James, he's a good bloke. Friendly and funny. We all arrived, and he was going to drive up to Montefiore Hill before I realized (stupidly) I left my formal ticket in my bag. Luckily, 'cos he's great and all, I was able to pick it up and I learnt the pain of running in high heels. :D

He drives us up the hill and (seeing as we're all underage...) pours us all champagne glasses of lemonade :D and we stood and took a few pictures, grinning and bearing the cold

Finally, we arrive at the Convention Center; stepping out of the car, our photos were taken and we stood there in the cold for a while. Mr G came down to call us up, and we walked down the red carpet to the foyer. It was a LOT warmer. :) *feels all good*

The minutes ticked by and still there was no sign of others (nicole and bee? where are you!??!) but more people were arriving. Kels looked stunning in purple with matching streaks. Blythe, amazing in a dress!? (an omg wait *looks again* wait *looks again* wow moment* Yvonne, absolutely stunning. Honestly, everyone looked ueber beautiful. :D And evidently people thought I was too :) Looking around for people, seeing Laurence and Sabrina looking nice. And another rush of people, probably all from Emily's bus. :D Rushed around for a group photo did not work well. We got the photo done, the organization was terrible. Saw some more guys looking good; Trungle, Dat, Ben, Trung's date. Kevin in a white suit :) :D By this time we were running well behind time, but what was the matter? :) It was all good.

Walking inside, eyes adjusting to blue light. And I MEAN blue light:

Seriously; how blue is that :D Pretttttttttttttttttttty :)

Dinner was interesting. Thought there would be three pieces of chicken and it turned out to be two with a MUSHY THINGO in between and I was like WHAT?! Sitting at a table with .. Lillian, Grace+friend, Sarah, Damian, Anna, Harleen + date/bf? (IDK!), Laurence, Sabrina and Bront. Good people :D

Waiting to get photos taken.. I have never been so bored and happy at the same time :)

Taking photos, Bront was meant to have his arm around me and that felt AWKWARD! hahhahss :)

Had dessert, some weird tart thingy they decided to make INCREDIBLY hard to eat. Like, seriously, a tart, with fork and spoon, with icecream on top, and a strawberry cut down the middle but still joined at the top. JUST DO IT PROPERLY PEOPLES! :P

Actually most of the night was phototaking. Awards, I hardly remember, except NICOLE!!!!!!!! getting the 'Most Likely to Rule the World' which was quite fitting ;)

I guess there really isn't much to say about formal now. It was just a good night. Everyone looked stunning in their dresses, suits, all dressed up, prettied up, <333333333

Afterparty.. what can I say. My sister was too sleepy to take me so I dropped home, grabbed some clothes, and went to Lillian's to change. Got to AP. and woooooh atomsphere! Firstly, walking past a group of people trying to scull beers.. not exactly cool. Got inside and the music was thudding away. Found a group of people, said 'hellos' and got into it with Nicole. About the same for the rest of the night. Slowly turned into a massive... well it was a room too small. With too many heated bodies. Sweaty, smelly, adrenaline rushing atmosphere. PDA. SO GOOD SO IN TO IT. . . well it's my first time. and it was awesome. screw yous. hheheehehehe.

Ended up dancing with MATTHOLOLOMEW the most night. GOOD FUN. I was the man *puts vest on, puts tie on* and *touches his boob* i mean *her boob*

Good fun HAHHAS. dancing real close feel the music babayy. ignoring what everyone else was seeing. what they were thinking. what they were saying. i could see the looks and the lips moving but i did not care for a thing that night. bought some massively overpriced red bull and drank and had the energy to MOVE IT.

so SCREW yous commenting on how I dance and with WHO because I had an AWESOME time and if i could i'd do it again. Except maybe You would dance with me. You being all of you. hahhas. unlikely. Or I wish You would be here so I could dance with you. ;) hehehehes. beast. :P

Reminiscent.

2010-06-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

Wow I haven't blogged so much in short space of time in a while. :) maybe it's just looking for something to fill my time, while I procrastinate. Freaking exams. Thank God there are only two left.. but these two are the worst, in my opinion.

Just going through conversations and such, I fumble through lies and broken promises to a garden of what once was. The keyword here is was, and I believe what WAS can never be again. It can be attempted, it can be bettered, but it will never EVER be the same.

Blah!

I love Silbermond. Ich liebe Silbermond ... :D und Stefanie.. <3 she's so cute! and she sings so well :)

Ugh. Enough.

2010-06-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

Enough of this, now. And you say I change and that I am inconclusive.
Du, selbst ist nicht so gut, Luegner.

Thank You for being here. I'm glad I know you. And maybe in time, we work something out. We will work something out. I wish for you. I know you to be good and genuine. I respect you. There is an untamed beast inside, but It is good to me, under your hand.

Just so everyone knows.. I am a liar. I fuck with people. I cannot keep promises. Approach me, if you dare. For I will break you into a million pieces and then throw those pieces in your face. and then stomp on your face.

I want to grab my arm. and dig my nails in through my skin, ripping the flesh from my bone. Take a knife, and carve the beautiful patterns, and then I will taste the blood flowing, smear it all over me. I will gouge out the eyes of the monster and let them flow down the drain.

It will approach its victim, with a knife by its side. It will draw the knife and pin her against the wall. She will be unable to scream; it will hold the knife at her throat. It will violate her, slowly, torturous, over and over again. She will be helpless. It will cut her life away. She is gone. It will live on.

This is a lesson. This is a slice of life. The crime has been committed. The sentence must be lived out. The consequences will follow. A sharp stroke for every other day. A drawn out torture for every Scream. Your heart will be ripped from your chest and crushed before your eyes. Emptiness will ensue, emptiness and death of emotion. A knot will be tied at the noose around your neck. A shadow will keep you company at night; do not disappoint for sleep will be kept at bay. A shadow will keep your company during the day; he will not leave he is your new best friend. You may scream but it does not go away. You may cry, but it will not leave. There will be sharp pains in your body. Do not worry, these are only the many daggers that Who-is-now-gone has thrown at you. Do not worry if you cannot breathe, it is merely the water Who-is-now-gone has left for you to drown in. Your tears only help this neverending waterfall. Welcome to the enemy, friend. We embrace you. The crime is committed and this is your punishment. They will not bother you. The Shadow will follow you, a shadow of what is gone. But the physical being will no longer bother you.

How it is; to be stuck in a timewarp, unaware of what you really are doing to me
How it is; to be stuck in your own world, Blissfully focusing rapiers at me
How it is; to be stuck in your mind, selfishly ignoring my words and my voice
How it is; to be stuck here with you. You obviously don't know what You want to do

Before you say naught, I don't feel the same
I want to live my life with my grades
I want to live my life with my voice
I want to live my life and be heard

That I have loved I will surely not forget
What is good, what is gone,
Do you see? It is gone
It is a memory. But it does not exist

It was taken from me, the day I opened my eyes
I have a desire.

Now, I want you
for all that it is worth;
There is something special.
And regardless of my situation, That still stands
Is my unaffected longing of the untouchable
For you, my lack of care for the world will seep into your territory
And thus it has, planting itself within you
For creation and destruction of new and old ways.

Sudden Realization

2010-06-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

That I am not who I thought

Vicious, self-hating, self deceiving

It was hidden and I thought it was gone
But the ugly monster has reared its fangs again
"I can help; let me at you, i'll make you forget"

and the worst part is, he's true. I would be totally immersed in another world, the other world, which I took so long to escape from. I hate that world. But it is a pure release.

I don't want to go back there.
It is so inviting.

It wants me
and it's going to win..

You're Icecream

2010-06-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Love is spontaneous
Love is unpredictable
Love can strike anyone, anytime, anywhere
Love happens, whether you like it or not.

There is no gain from preventing what exists. Embrace it.

Finally easing out of a spiral. It's been hard but I can feel it letting go... There have been times when I've been pulled under again, and that has been overwhelming. But I have not stepped backwards; only forwards since that day.

I have felt somethings I vowed not to feel. Not for a while. But it's happened. I will not stand in my way. I somewhat believe that there is this potential and that I can reach this; I can do this. I can, I am able to get to that point where I can fully embrace who I am, what I am capable of.

This has happened. I Hope to Hell that it does not trace back to You. I fear, greatly, that it will. But I will not stop. I will embrace what comes. I won't deny who I am.

Deep, deep down I accept myself. Yet I hate it sometimes.

Accomplished?

2010-06-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

SWOTVAC : study period
what do i do?
chat and chill XD

I have a two year deal and I'm not about to screw that up because it means a lot to me.
I have a highschool to finish and i'm not about to screw that up because i'll die if i do

I'm freaking out! But in a weirdly, abstracted sense, I am happy. I'm complacent with my standing. I'm relatively at peace with my mind and I am somewhat focused. This will be one hell of a year. And i'm not gonna screw it up.
I'm gonna work my ass off, so I get where I want to be. Hopefully it isn't too late to start.

...

2010-06-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

Fools; we are, unheard against the silence of night

...and again?

2010-06-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

Read.
Repeat.
Digest.

I want my words to vomit from my brain,
pour out onto the page like a never ending gush of filth;
the filth that it is, that haunts me

To reach inside and tear it all apart,
every last scrap piece of deadened soul,
the pain ripped right from me

I want to choke this wandering mind
affix it to a post and on it shine
The fire, so it will Burn me

So as to feel the hurt inside, on the outside
from once til infinite strokes fill
the patterns, zebra striped skin

But I can't

This...

2010-06-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

world; life
lacks empathy
lack compassion
lacks understanding
lacks knowledge

Feeling stuck
It's a rollercoaster ride
It's a neverending rampage

seeking the truth; i'll never find
what strength it takes to look behind
and see that what i had in mind
was true from beginning to end

seeing a chance, i turn away
to face the pier and run off the bay
into the water, where it all fades to grey
because i'm too weak to face it

guilty masks bore holes through my chest
there is no pain; that's for the best
for once i gain eternal rest
the ghosts won't haunt me

the feelings that are approached to me
long since gone, leaving behind empty
of positive emotion; like love, only
keeping bloodshot eyes

my personal values of honesty, opinions
broken by myself

Mmmmmm

2010-06-14T04:00:00.000-07:00

It's beautiful
blue and green
It's beautiful
cold, blue, purple

It's - what is this?
Something new, from something old; something used -
not in pity or pain but Love that grew.
It was Love that leeched dry the feeling deep inside;
that destroyed what was, what might, what may have been mine,
but is now lost. Due to my wrong doing,
my fear, distrust in what is good.
It is lost; can it be found again? I think not,
for though it was Beautiful it was Madness.

The beauty of the Beast that was once, will not be once more.
However the Demon has not been tamed and may strike again,
so I bid you. Flee, while you can, save yourself,
Do not be seduced by the magic you see,
For nothing Good will be unaccompanied by Pain.

At your own risk, approach
the advances of a shattered soul But
See the danger before you dare plunge in
Because to fall is too late to be saved.

There's no explanation.
There is hope, and those foolish enough to follow the path.
There is ... There will be more.

Lonerrrrrrrr

2010-06-02T03:45:00.000-07:00

Constantly feeling like'
alone nobody gets me
unwanted
undesirable

...god.
How hard is it to find one person, just one person that really gets you? F**king impossible.

It's getting out of control;

2010-05-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

It's on a roll, it's spinning down
Towards the hell beneath the ground
He lies, waiting eyes grinning
Red for your blood, for spirits lost

Though dark will soon turn to day
The cold won't leave
The air stays cool and crisp
Sharp like daggers through this

Pain, there's no pain
But what is this, I cry out
Not for the hurt but for fear
That loss of pain is loss of all

...

2010-05-19T03:21:00.000-07:00

i want a hug :(

someone to hold me

but i feel so alone

Cold

2010-05-17T05:25:00.000-07:00

...and we have gone through good and bad times

but your unconditional love was always on my mind...

(I love Avenged. Love you Rev.)

but now i'm lost, confused

i don't know what to do

no motivation to do anything

to eat
to sleep
to work
to talk
to smile.

can't keep my mind off ... the end

it's haunting me, mine, and yours.

my dreams are no better than reality

clinging on for dear life

yet wanting to go with.

into darkness, into the light

Ink

2010-05-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

Ink to paper, blade to skin
Same causation, effects begin
One written for the world to read
One gouged for the the world to see
Each with the same message, buried deep:
"Help me, please..."

****

2010-05-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

When nothing you do or say is the right thing to do or say
When what's been said causes pain, when what's going to be said never stops causing pain
When nothing can fix what's been broken
It would be better if the problem was gone

So I might go

cyclical redundancy error

2010-05-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

Staring at glassy eyes, staring back at me
Escape life by living online but how is that an escape when it's more real than anything...

Tracing patterns all over
What good does it do, just a reason to cry
Just another reason to hate, to reminisce
Yet it will happen, again and again

Repetitive conversations, phrases
Circles, day after day
Tears shed until there should be no more
but they keep flowing

Never before has one day felt so long
Never before has time gone so quickly

Will this love-hurt ever end? It seems to last forever
I want the hurt to stop, i want the love to live
But I'm prepared to face something i haven't even yet considered.

What is this?
Who am I?
Every day I'm digging deeper
and getting nowhere

I want but I'm afraid to Have.

I need but I'm afraid to Take.

It's there, but it's not for me.

*sigh/

2010-04-22T07:54:00.001-07:00

don't you hate it when think you're fine

and then you realize you're broken

aslkdjflkasjfasj;sljeiei88333j!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

Hrm. Oh God.

Wasted my holidays much?
SO many essays, so little time. I just have no motivation though.. no reason to do it.
Apart from ''I should do this..."
.. and Seriously, what kind of BS motivation is that?

Essay after essay after essay.. it just seems endless. The more there is, the less I want to do it. The less I do it, the more piles up. You see how it goes..? Downwards and spiralling.

Fucking school. Fucking homework.
Never thought i'd hate school so much til these holidays.. Never felt like giving up so bad.
I know i should get through this but how far can i keep going by saying I should?

She's coming down in a few months. I don't know what to think. I miss her so much, and I would love to see her. Part of me would die if she didn't end up coming, but I'm so scared something will screw up again. I don't want to lose her but something inside tells me I will. And I don't know what to think. Only to add to my confusion.. I wish i could show someone what i think. What i'm thinking, what's going through my head. Especially when i dont' have the words to portray my thoughts
...

Like that's going to happen.

I'm scared.

I don't know what I want from life anymore.

I always feel alone.
I constantly feel upset. For no apparent reason, even to myself.
I feel like i'm going insane, i dont' have a reason to

I can't sleep
I don't eat
I have no interest in doing anything
Except timewasting.

ZOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!

2010-04-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

;;--;2` the sound an object makes when travelling at high speeds

it almost felt normal;

until i remember..

feeling constantly consistently depressed

Why?

i dont know

Why not? :\

... just leave me alone...

T_________________________________________T

idk what's happening to me now

told you so...

2010-04-02T05:39:00.000-07:00

occupation;;
fuckup

best skill;;
destroying things, hurtingpeople, etc.

goal for future;;

die

...

2010-03-27T00:13:00.001-07:00

FUck.

sin(90)

2010-03-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

--
had a dream about working on my maths assignment, during class
Found x, was joyous until i realized it was wrong
Depressed, crying
woke up to realize:

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg i got a question wrong :|
... there was no question that said 'find x'
i've finished the maths assignment.

MLIIB

the signs of frustration

2010-03-20T05:31:00.000-07:00

*feels like*

just keep fucking up

just keep going on like this

oh well done

oh now look what you've done

fix your stupid attitude

grr. what is wrong with you *slaps self*

can't you see what the hell you're doing???

*looks like*

~~tears~~ streaming down the face

faking a goddamn ~~smile~~ every day in and out

pretending to be someone else entirely

because

sadness is weak

sympathy is not allowed

to show pain is stupid

to get the attention of others; attention seeking

to hurt;

you cannot hurt, you must be emotionless.

*sounds like*

Hi. How's it going?

Ok.

Cool. How are you?

*horrible. tearing up inside, ripping into shreds, stabbing myself, cutting myself open*

I'm fine.

Cool...

*tastes like*

salty

wet

sad

blood

sweat

anger

*smells like?*

i don't think so-

F.M.L.

2010-03-13T00:57:00.000-08:00

Never thought i'd be thinking thoughts like these again.
Thought i was over it.
Thought wrong.

Now, it's a different story.

When i'm alone i can see my world shattering into pieces too small to pick up, too far to reach.
When i'm alone i can feel heart break physically inside my chest

feel a stabbing pain within me

feel a horrid indescribable feeling

When i'm alone i start thinking, thinking about what went wrong, how did it get this way, how did it all happen,

is there an answer

is there anything to do

can anything be done to right the wrongs

of course; not. nothing will ever be as it seems, it will never be the same

When i'm not alone;

i try to be happy

fake a smile on my face

fake a mood

push everything to the back of my mind and pretend to be this person i'm not

and it works.. for now

but it's breaking

this shield has a crack

I want to talk to you but i can't bring myself to do it

everytime i do we argue

everytime it seems to go right, something worse comes alone

i'm sick of crying myself to sleep, waking up crying

i'm sick of crying full stop

i'm sick of pain

i'm sick of heartache

i miss the love

i miss the care

i miss what we used to be

but it's gone

and in it's place is a huge monster, a black hole of angst, unfulfilled longing, unsatisfied desires

greed, lust, you name it

but the love in this is dying

help

i want things to change

we can't be what we used to be

so let's be better?

But that's been said

and that idea's been failed

again

and

again.

But i'm willing to try

first; but let me get over this by myself.

i'm not apologizing this time

i will get through it

it hurts

but

i love you.

inspired by Matt

2010-03-04T03:40:00.001-08:00

another result of procrastination.

Random thought... as the story goes.

2010-02-28T03:45:00.000-08:00

So. Time seems to be passing with ease.. slowly and fast(ly?) at the same time.

Each day seems to drag on.. and on...
but
a week, a month, a term.. It all goes by so quickly.
Soon, it will all be over, this whole school thing.

Then what..?

i hate to dream

2010-02-23T04:22:00.000-08:00

'cos when i wake up i'll start crying

it all seems so real... believeable.

and i believe it

and

hurts.

is there pain like this (i know if it were real it would hurt more)

but why is this?

why does it hurt so much if it hasn't actually happened...

pain [peyn]

2010-02-12T03:40:00.000-08:00

–noun

1.	physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.	a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain.

mental or emotional suffering or torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.

hm... that hardly seems enough to describe what I feel.
So much more than pain.

I can feel it in my chest... running through my whole body

I can feel it in my head... spreading the message throughout

I can feel it in my heart... tearing me up inside.

God,

this kills.

Fear

2010-02-05T01:16:00.000-08:00

[feer]

–noun

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.	a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.	concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.	reverential awe, esp. toward God.

5.	that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.

:\

2010-01-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

oh god no!
school tomorrow.
this will be interesting.
i've talked to her basically everyday since we've met.
now with school, we're hardly ever gonna be able to talk.
=\
new challenges.
plus with year 12... life this year, will definitely not be easy.
i keep thinking towards the next holidays, the next time i'll be free.
when really, i should concentrate on what i have to do..
i hope i can get back into it..
otherwise...
i'm really screwed.

Ugh.

2009-12-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

Why do you always screw you. You're an idiot.
I know.
What are you doing?!
I don't know. I can't help it.. I don't deserve this. She can do better...
What's wrong with you?
What's right..

:OOOOOOOOOOOO

2009-12-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

Probably reiterating myself here... but this year has gone way too fast. Literally... I remember the first few days of the school year; stressing out about being behind, about facing a tough year of senior schooling. I remember thinking 'holy crap this is hard'. I remember being heartbroken before school even started; the day before in fact when I was so excited about seeing her again. I remember stages of happiness, to depression, to happiness, and so on. Eventful, yet insignificant.

Being with someone again was at the bottom of my list after her parents found out... I thought I could hold off being in a relationship.. I mean, there was NOONE who interested me that I knew. So, no relationship could be possible, right? I was wrong. I met Her. First I thought, 'ooh another hot guy'. I was wrong on the guy part. I also though 'ohh, he lives in Australia, maybe he lives in Adelaide (Y)'. Also wrong on the Australia part. But regardless how wrong first impressions can be... She turns out to be one of, if not the most amazing person I've met. It's amazing how close we've grown... I'm afraid of it all ending, because I will certainly lose my grip, fall, and smash into a million parts. I'm afraid to hurt her, because I know she's been hurt so much in the past and I'm afraid to be just another one. I'm afraid to make any mistake in case I lose her. I've never felt so close to someone. And that makes me feel scared, this.. 'power', of sorts, is so strong. There are no words in the world that could describe my feelings for her. It kills me, not being able to see, hear, or touch her... And not knowing when I would be able to. It pains me to think that I would have to wait so long to even meet her. But the thought of just seeing her online is.. Ecstacy.
To imagine not being with her is impossible.
To imagine a breakup is unbearable.
To imagine her gone is... excruciating.
It depresses me to think about it; I can't help but think about it.

Music...

2009-12-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

What I like to do in my spare time;
write up something,
create something,
not for myself but for others as well.

Something that can take me away from this cruel excuse of a world into a mixture of my imagination and a more ideal reality. Mostly imagination. Because Ideal Worlds do not exist. Nor reality.

Lyrics...

i've known that you wanted me to leave

from that look

and all the whispers through the trees

and i saw that look upon your face

when you see her

but you said you wanted me to stay

i'm leaving you today

but you'll find a way to hurt me anyway

so i'll run, i'll run so faraway

to the coast, where i'll swim out from the bay

you looked for me your eyes wide like a hawks

oh they pierce

through every tree and rock

but you never thought to look out on the sea

where i lie

and go where the waves take me

i'm leaving you today

cos you'll find a way to hurt me anyway

so i'm running ive run so faraway

to the coast where i've swum out from the bay

and the sharks

they share your awful trait

their eyes piercing my body

like daggers drenched in hate

but they know how

to put me out of pain

to end this awful hurting

much faster than it came

i'm leaving you today

cos you'll find a way to hurt me anyway

so i'm running i've run so faraway

to the coast where i've swum out from the bay

i'm leaving you today

cos you've hurt me so much each and every day

so i've come, i've come out so far away

to be lost in the waves that hit the bay

Hopefully this bright sun will bring more than a heatwave.

Just a thought..

2009-12-06T03:20:00.000-08:00

Every sad word, every broken down piece I read,
It's like a dagger through my heart
This cold hollow feeling
It's so unbearable...

happy birthdayy too meeeeee

2009-12-02T04:42:00.000-08:00

WOW. one year gone by already. One fast year... feels like just yesterday I was celebrating my 15th and complaining about how old that was. Now it's my 16th... and i'm pretty hyped to be honest. :D

This year has gone so fast, seriously. Just starting school.... worrying about being a week late, missing the heat wave, full on into the IB. Heartbreak. One semester flown by, stressing about exams, then rejoicing about the holidays. Back into the work load, back to another relationship, back to another disaster. A whirl of life, finishing year 11, exams, group IV. Now i'm sitting here, basically the same place i've been sitting every night for a few months - give or take a few days.

*sigh* All around me are people with real problems. Feeling a bit... useless.. in being unable to help fix them. But they all say thanks for listening. I feel that is not enough often......... but what can I do?
I just like to get high and sugar, then forget about life - that's what i've been doing for the past few days. I wake up and feel completely buggered. It's very confusing.....

I dunno what I want to do in life. Finish IB then travel. Then what?
I don't want to grow old, get married, have kids, die old.
That sounds terrible to me.

I want....

Blahhhh.

2009-11-21T02:28:00.000-08:00

Hmm. I'm not sure what to say.
I'm a bit crazy.
A bit bipolar
Feeling like I don't really give a crap about anything you say. But I still talk to you.
Feeling like I miss you like hell. But scared to death I will hurt you.
Feeling like a liar. But having said barely anything all day.
Feeling lost, lonely.
Unsure of what to do next, where to go. What to hope for, to live for.
Thanks for getting me through these past few weeks. Or months. I can't tell how much time goes past anymore, it all blurs together into one massive blob of thoughts.
Soon I won't be able to tell apart today from tomorrow from yesterday.
Wasting all time, doing nothing. Yet feeling no regret, no remorse for anything I've done. More just a heavy heart filled with thoughts and analysis of life.
What does it all mean? Am I just going crazy?
Maybe I do have a purpose. Maybe.
This paranoia is starting to eat away at the very depths of my life.
Yet I cannot do anything except think about it further, analyse it more. Beat myself up over things that won't change any aspect of anything. Regret is not the right word. I do not know what is, but it is no regret. I don't know what I think.
I cannot comprehend anything.
I just wish I could disappear off far away. And be with the one I love. But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Boredom/Procrastination

2009-11-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

Do you know how I feel, inside...

Firstly, I'm bloody tired right now so don't grill me if this doesn't make any sense.

It's been a long day. I feel like it's tomorrow already. Been sleeping like crap for the past few days. Or weeks. Or months. I don't remember anymore. Every day has just been a crazy blur. Just one day, after another, after another.... Suddenly all the procrastination is catching up on me. The put-off assignments, essays, orals. The stress of work. All that combined with the stress of friendship. Relationships.

Fear of screwing up and losing someone. Fear of failure. Fear of sleeping. Fear of living.
Distrust. Dishonesty. Not knowing who's true, who really is a friend. Not knowing who's jst using you to get answers for some school crap

Meh. Well i'm just waiting for the meteor shower right now. it's taking it's time. so it signing in to msn. bleugh.

random story part...

2009-11-09T03:44:00.000-08:00

He took my hand in his own and gazed up into the night sky
'The stars, they shine bright and beautiful. I once thought nothing could ever surpass the beauty of the evening sky. But now...' He turned slowly to face me.
'Now I know better, now I know for sure. There is something more. I'll never look away; your beautiful eyes, they bind me.' He leant down and kissed me on the lips, slowly, sweetly, entertaining the soft gentle moment. He broke the kiss and eased in slowly towards my ear.
'I love you,' he whispered. I was in a state of shock/calm. I didn't know what to say. 'I love you too ' ran through my head as I heard the shot. His gentle body was suddenly heavy against my own, heavy but limp, my shirt growing wet with the passing slow seconds: that was the last thing I could feel before I fainted

I'm Meltingggggggg..............

2009-11-09T00:05:00.000-08:00

My GOSH. It is so damn hot today... And it's only getting worse. I don't think I can stand it any longer....

School uniform Really Sucks. Keeps all the heat in, keeps your sweat all over you.

In my hand, I hold my heart.

This bleeding mess of muscle, blood, veins, and whatnot

Torn out from my bleak, hollow chest

Handed to you on a silver platter

Thrust at you upon my lifeless hand

With this gift comes my mind

My brains served on a table for two

Me and you

Soft and full of thoughts and skill

Everything I thought for you

Every dream and lust of you

Handed to you

On another silver platter

Feelings that I cannot control haunt me every day

A jagged dagger through my heart.

But my body has evolved to fit around it

So it no longer hurts

It just sits there

But it no longer hurts

A long day... but it's almost the weekend...

2009-11-05T01:23:00.000-08:00

ANOTHER day gone... almost. Well I suppose there's still about a quarter left.. But the main school part is over.
Been doing a lot of thinking... Thinking I would rather not do, but it seems sort of important. (besides that truck load of school work i've been meaning to do...)

It's hard to go to school every day, and see the two of them. Every day. Together. It burns a hole through me. Yet I can't bear to not look, to not talk. I can't stand it.
There's a part of me that wishes I could rush over, punch the hell out of him, and leave him. But I know that she would be so hurt....
There's another part of me that wants to completely freak at them both. Scream, Cry, Slap the hell. But that's not gonna work.
I want to cry. To stay home, to never go to school. But I feel weak in just thinking so.
I want to be brave. To be happy. To forget. But again, it's not going to happen.
Nothing is going to happen. And so I will just have to be like this.
But I can't stand it. It's driving me insane. I'm stuck in this horrible circle of Want vs Need vs Whatever-the-hell-I-have-no-idea.....

School is giving me hell. Just the fact it IS school is giving me hell. I can't stand it. The workload. The people. The constant feeling of not being myself, pretending to be someone who i'm not. The feeling of loneliness, even when i'm surrounded by people. The want to run, to hide, but the inability to move. It's terrible. The couples... Everywhere. Hugging, flirting, doing all those things that couples like to do. It's absolutely horrible.

I don't feel motivated to do anything. Work, study, learn. Maintain friendships. Hug. Talk. Chat. I'm obsessed about this one person, who is almost all I can think about for the majority of the time. She's all that i'm interested in. Everything else seems like a blur, a non-existent, unimportant rush of time and matter. I don't know anymore. What's worth living for; what's worth dying for. I mean, everything's just gonna disappear one day, right? Blown up in the sun, or the majority wiped out by some crazy illness, or climate change (like an iceage or a huge drought or something), or some other crazy shit. So what is the point... so what if we develop all these amazing technologies, so what if we invent something new every day... what do we ultimately obtain. Life is short. But it's the longest thing you'll ever have. And I still don't fully understand my own opinion on this matter. (or any other matter...)

People come and people go.
Some people stay. Some people scar. Some people disappear. Some people are forgotten.

I... I just really need a person to talk to. But the problem is that I can't open up in the first place.
And i'm stuck in this neverending cycle of confusion, idiocy, etc, that's just gonna kill me one day. And if that doesn't kill me, something will anyway. So I suppose it ultimately doesn't make a difference.

New music, new day, old habits

2009-11-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

2 am.

i feel...
tired & awake
happy & sad
bored, yet having a great time
concerned and 'i-don't-give-a-crap'

so blah xD O_O x_X idk what i'm doing anymore...

I feel cool in the morning, pretty much chillax until i see them, together,, as a couple...

then i break
                  bit
                        by
                             bit
                                     and my world has come crashing down.

not the mere fact that they are together. everything. that little kiss on the lips. that look into each other's eyes. that tight embrace, the loving grasp of one another's hand when walking down a corridor, everything.
combined with the fact that nothing can be done
a break-up will solve nothing, only filling me with the guilt of tearing apart a relationship for my selfish needs
a punch-up will solve nothing, make people hate me more, get in heaps of crap
the list goes on but my mind is dying....

i just wished that it could end. but what good will it do.....
existentialism
seems good
there is no point to anything. really, what's the point in living if we're all just gonna die...

Happy Halloween!!!

2009-10-31T06:20:00.001-07:00

Well..... not really.

I don't really celebrate Halloween... mostly 'cos noone else here does. And I dunno...

Eugh. I can't get my words out on the page.

If it could happen...

2009-10-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

Today.

30th of October, 2009.

Just practically quit the band.
I can't take any of it. I can't look at him. Or her. I can't do it. Can't, can't, can't.
I'm fighting with myself; restraining the urge to punch his face inside out.
I have only million of questions that are increasing with every passing second.
I have no answers.
I cannot even blame anyone for what has happened, because it is nobody's fault. I am just a sorry kid.
I am just a sad, pathetic, humanly thing that cannot stop loving. Boo hoo. Go cry to mommy.
F***ing loser. I just hide. I can't face it, so I hide.
I can't deal with it, so I whine to a few people. And then I just push it to the back of my mind, where it is slowly consuming me and spreading its' disease throughout my system. Filling me with hatred and anger and sadness, and all sorts of negative emotions.
Then comes the loneliness. Pure loneliness. The inability to confide because there is no strong trust in the friendships that I have. The want of a shoulder to cry on, a body to hug. Instead, nothing. So I hold back the tears. Because there is no point in shedding them. I hold myself, because there is noone else.
And I lie there, at night, and let my mind drift off to a fantasy world, where I have died and the world is happy and untroubled. Where I am in my own place. Where I am not real.
Where death is painless, and simple.

Life as I see it now... Pointless. You live, you die. You make friends, you lose friends. You start with nothing, you end with nothing. There is nothing. You could be famous, make a million dollars. But then you'll die. And pretty soon, you'll be forgotten. And no one will give a s*** anymore. They will continue living their own lives. Until they die. And it goes on. It's Pointless. And why wait for the end... when you can see it already. When you believe that there's no point, no, when you can SEE that there is no point. What's the point in continuing if it all ultimately leads to nothing. Sure, electricity was made. The concept of Gravity. Schooling, learning, Science, Mathematics, English, the list goes on. Why? The sun will blow up. Then we will be gone. Or we go through an ice age. And the majority gone. The point is, something will happen. And then we will be gone.

So why do I mope? Because I can't help it. And if there's no point, why am I still here? I don't want to be. But I can't end it. Because I am too weak. Because there are a few people I care dearly for. And those people live far overseas. But I am close, some might say 'too close for comfort'. I don't know. I don't care.
Do what you want
Just leave me alone.

Ouch.

2009-10-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. I mean.... I should've seen it coming. The way they hold each other... the closeness of touch... the way I ache, every single goddamn time I see them. The pain. I should've known that it meant something.

I feel so stupid.

I can't think, i can't rant...

"black flowers blossom...."

2009-10-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

F**king hot guy. ;D

Wow. One Year and Counting...

2009-10-20T04:12:00.000-07:00

So... it was the year 12 farewell assembly today. Kind of sad, kind of happy. Kind of realizing that there's only one year left in this place, but we've barely been here for long. Kind of like... deja vu. Year 6/7 - only a lot more life changing. This is the one year mark; the one year mark for the final year of schooling. Of course, one can argue that we still have Uni, or tafe, or whatever shizz. But in my opinion, this is it. The count-down begins. To the mid-years, to formal, to graduation. To the final exams. And to freedom.

I feel... I feel so lost. Sometimes, I feel deliriously happy, and for no reason at all. Other times, i'm depressed, almost to the brink of suicide. Almost. But never quite. Sometimes, i'm angry. I feel as if I could punch a hole through the wall, punch someones face in, destroy something. Wreck something. Often.... however, I just feel calm. Complacent. But not calm as in happy, calm as in... Nothing. Nada. Zilch. A sense of nothingness, that I once hated, and now have come to appreciate. This feeling of nothing that used to haunt me, used to make me feel a freak, a strange uncaring unemotional robot. I embrace it, because Hell, it feels better than depression or suicide. Sure, happiness is great when it's there, but I can't tell the difference between a true happy and a fake, pretentious temporary happy. AKA High.

- lost my train of thought -

Sing with me...

2009-10-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm lying here, in bed. It's 12:35 AM, and i'm listening to Disenchanted - MCR. I'm staring at my trippy visualizer and writing this blog. I'm freaking out a little about my presentation that I couldn't be bothered rehearsing for.

I have a multifaced dillemma that's slowly burning my insides out.

I have a friend who is going crazy.

I have a friend who is seriously afflicted.

I have an urge to do acid.

There's nothing better than peace and quiet (Yes/No)

Sitting on the bus I pictured a (Dana/Lara) situation where I could love someone without judgement. This someone that I desperately would rather not be in love with. But it's not something that I can pick and/or choose. Listening to sad song after sad song, I realize how little I actually listen to the lyrics of a song. Or appreciate it as a whole. Instead of just listening to a particular instrument; listening to the whole song. The beauty; the complexity of any musical piece. The lows, the highs, the mid ranges; the blend of rhythm, of soft and loud, of harsh and mellow. The combination of voices, pianos, guitars, strings, keyboards/synths, the list goes on.

The annoyance of the hum of a laptop; that constant almost unavoidable drone you're faced with when you are near a laptop, or computer.

The longing for something unattainable. The fact that it can't be, combined with the persistence regardless. Imagine losing that mind.

The mind is one thing I cannot dismiss as simply being a collection of atoms. What is it?

The music begins to irritate

Pleasure. Pain. They are opposites. Yet cannot survive without each other. This feeling.... It haunts me still.

WARNING: Contains Typos. Many, many typose.

2009-10-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

So I was bored Tonight.
So I wrote a story
With the help of a friend
A friend named Matt:

-d\} says:
*once upon a time
*your turn
(*matt) says:
*hmmm
*there was a girl called dilys
*your turn :P
-d\} says:
*she had a crazy fantasy
*your turn :D
(*matt) says:
*about a table that span around and around infron of her face flashing green and silver
*your turn
-d\} says:
*that green and silver vision suddenly blurred up her mind until she was seeing green and silver everywhere, like a magical mirage of green and silver combinataions
(*matt) says:
*then the table went away in a bi flash of green and silver. dilys was upset from it going away, so she decided to chase it
**big
-d\} says:
*she followed the table out to the courtyard, where something amazing was hapepning
(*matt) says:
*a big man of 10 feet tall had the table lodged into his neck, making his blood spurt everywhere. so not only were there big flashes of green and silver, there was a big stream of red mixed in too
*xD
-d\} says:
*paintint the world a sick, mix of sick colours. the man keeled over and writhed about, his body afflicted by multiple spasms as the blood flew fruther and the action against the ground wedged teh tabl in deper
(*matt) says:
*then it started raining technicolour rain; each droplet was one of the 7 colours of the rainbow. this added to the green silver and red happening in dilys' courtyard. dilys' eyes were strating to hurt, she felt dizzy...
-d\} says:
*along came matthew, this stunning guy wearing rainbow tights to match the technicolour rain
*:D
*his underwear on the outside
(*matt) says:
*:-O yes!
-d\} says:
*imitating the hero figure
(*matt) says:
*xD
*he held out his hand to dilys, striking a very prominent pose as he did so. dilys took his hand and he pulled her up onto her feet. he then got out a chainsaw, broom, mop and dustbin and began to sweep up the dead giant in the courtyard
-d\} says:
*however. the ginat was not as dead as it seemed. with his head half severed and parts of table still jutting out of its neck, it stoop up and raored a mighty roar, comparable to that of aslan.
(*matt) says:
*matthew then started up the chainsaw and proceded to cut his left foot off, white bone fragments flying in every direction, adding to the chaos of colour
*(as in, the giants left foot, not mine)
-d\} says:
*OBVIOUSLY.
(*matt) says:
*xD
*that would just be crazy psycho imagery
-d\} says:
*dilys noticed the intriguin situation, and not wanting to waste opportuinites, grabbed a hacksaw and joined in on the giants right leg
(*matt) says:
*they cut away at the giant until there was no more of him except for a big puddle of red blood and white bone fragments. they walked inside and had dinner, which consisted of a blueberry salad with tomato, lettuce, cheese, beetroot, carrot, raisins and chalk. it tasted horrible
-d\} says:
*however, it did the job. they walked out, full (of shit) and stared at the beauties of nature. Rather, the cruelties. doing this hurt their eyes. walking inside, they noticed that matthews tights were no longer quite so pleasing to the eye.
(*matt) says:
*their colour had all faded away! now they were brown. matthew didnt like the look of these, and wanted to get rid of such an unfashionable statement. however, the only fabric he could see consisted of a multicoloured curtain, purple trackpants and red converse. he proceded to make a shirt from the curtain, and dilys marvelled at his tailoring skills.
-d\} says:
*{wtf did that come from...}
extremelly impressed, dilys was lost for words. her jaw literally dropped poen as the curtain was transformed. in barely no time, matt looked much more presentable than his previously daggy brwom tights
(*matt) says:
*xD
*they then went to the sevice station near dilys' house to get blue flavoured slushies
-d\} says:
*unfortuanately the blue flavoured slushies had been somehow transformed by the techincolour rain!
*instead of blue
*there was everything but bluea
*and matt was angry. very angry
(*matt) says:
*because he came all this way to dilys' house to get his blue slushie
-d\} says:
*in fact, matt's rage threw him into a psychotic position where his thoughts wereno longer controllable; his actions and words lacking clarity as he steepped forward to wrangle with the slushiy machine
(*matt) says:
*dilys yelled at matt, making him calm down. she had a compromise to offer him. if they went to the city, she was sure that there would be at least one blue slushie there. matt agreed to the compromise and they both got on the bus
-d\} says:
*inside the bus was an amazing leprechaun who made money appear from the air, real money, not fools gold or the other lies that stories tell. he took an instant liking towards matthew, perhaps because of his impresssive dress
(*matt) says:
*matt liked the leprechaun, as the leprechaun could speak gaelic. matt, thanks to his new powerful clothing, could speak gaelic too, and they began to chat like crazy, making dilys feel left out.
-d\} says:
*saddened, dilys went off the bus and began to wander around, as matt gibbered on to the leprechaun, unbeknownst of any happeneinsgs. littledid anyone know that the leprechaun was slowly transfering some psychedelic medication directly into matthews body, which cause him to to lose himself within the leprechauns talk.
(*matt) says:
*dilys could see the effect that the leprechaun was havin on matt, so she proceded to use her awesome screaming powers to make the leprechaun explode in a puff of green and gold smoke
-d\} says:
*matt snapped awkae, free of the bidndings of the leprechaun. however, his eyes were still glassy and his face, a pale sickly colour. he needed that blue slushie.
(*matt) says:
*dilys hailed a taxi, pushed matt into the back with all her strength, and told the driver to take them to the nearest service station that had a blue slushie machine
*the taxi driver put the pedal to the metal in search of the slushie machine
-d\} says:
*it was taking longer than expect. matthew's eyes rolled to show only the whites and he moaned as the search progressed. he was sweating profusely and the curtani shirt did not help his cause.
(*matt) says:
*dilys didnt know what to do. she could take his shirt off, but that would entail him losing all his magic powers.
-d\} says:
*however, it seemed that the taxi driver was not going to make itto the blue slushie machine in time. dilys attempted to take the shirt off, nly finding that it had somehow become tighter, and refused to budge
(*matt) says:
*her only hope was to go into the foodland that was right next to them and gather the ingredients to make a blue slushie, but she didnt know if her culinary skills would be able to cut it. matt whispered in her ear 'i believe in your slushie making skills, dilys.' this was enough motivation to ge ther to leave the taxi and enter foodland
-d\} says:
*dilys headed through, grabbing whatever her instinct told her to. bread? no. she went straight through and found the first blue thing. windex! yes. now she followed her senses to something cold - a bag of ice. now, for something to crush the ice with.... ah! shoving them in an unbreakable bag she picked up along theway, she jumped up and down until it was adeqautely crushed to slushie standard. now for flavour" she thought, and headed off to find something that tasted like blue slushie. however, there were too many choices, so in order not to miss anything, she grabbed everything sweet and put it in. sugar, chocolate, cream, caramel, you name it. sheran back to the taxi, ignoring the sirens that went off when she passed the check out.
*"here drink this" and shoved it into his hands
(*matt) says:
*matt looked at it. it smelt like windex. he put the drink to his lips and took a huge gulp. His face turned a nasty shade of green, with tinges of gold. Then, green and gold smoke began to exit out of his mouth! The drink was working!
-d\} says:
*dilys cheered and jumped for joy as matt chugged it down. the taxi driver however, leapt from the car, shocked an horrified at thesight he was seeing. green and gold flowing outof the boys mouth wsa filling upthe car rapidly. he shrieked a womans shriek and ran off, screaming verbal junk.
(*matt) says:
*matt was cured! dilys was smiling with glee, amazed that matt had been able to drink something made with windex. matt smiled at dilys, and said 'that tasted... BRILLIANT!'
-d\} says:
*both feeling astonishingly good, they then realized they had the taxi to themselves. matt jumped in the drivers seat and sped out of foodland and onto the street
(*matt) says:
*he drove them into the city. he said to dilys 'close your eyes until i tell you to open them.' dilys looked skeptical, but she did as he requested. when matt said 'open!' she opened, only to see them standing out the front of billy hyde! dilys wondered what they were doing there, when matt pulled out the gold coins that he took from the leprechaun. they equalled exactly $2000. they walked inside
*...
-d\} says:
*=DD dilys was amazed. she could not control her emotion as she screamed with pleasure. matt stared, then smiled.
(*matt) says:
*they walked out with a big box with a schecter logo on it. dilys gave matt a big hug, and they went to bronts house to play with her new guitar =]
*the end!

Uhm....

2009-10-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

Have I made the right choice today? In telling someone? Or rather, dropping obvious, very obvious hints?

Will I be stricken by worry, for the person in question, who will worry? Or will it be a new beginning... (actually, that doesn't seem very likely at this stage...)

Why.... What.....

How did this happen (was it then... or even before that... that earliest memory... haunting today... that memory of a time, long ago, was that when it all began; this confusion, this everything....)

hum// la la la!

2009-10-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Don't we just love that feeling of Euphoria you can get, when you have just downloaded heaps of new music? XD
Actually, maybe it's just me. But that feeling, of something great that has just happened, or of something that is happening; it's Brilliant. It can completely drown out any other feeling, effectively blinding you to anything else you're feeling. Of course, that means that it will hurt later, when the extreme happiness goes away, and you're left to wallow in average meanings. Which, by then will seem hopelessly boring/upsetting/BLAH, the list goes on. So how can you have the happiness without the sadness? Well, I believe you can't. Without the down how can you appreiciate the up? I don't know. Like any human, or average human I should say, I would like to have a great life free of misery, free of pain, free of anything burdening. I have a problem which is making things I have, things I do, into a burden for myself. Why? I don't know. It just happens, it's part of my personality (I suppose). How? Again, I do not know. I just know I do it. But I do know, that to have a great life, is not to have a life entirely happy. What is happiness if you have nothing else to compare to? Everything is relative, so how can we group things the way humans do? I could rant on and on, but I think "ToK" and my head starts to spin.

What's true happiness? And would your answer be an individual answer or one that can answer for a population? Is that even possible?

...

END of term 3 :)

2009-09-25T05:22:00.000-07:00

FINALLY the holidays again :)

Unfortunately, there seems to be a s***load of homework I have to do... :(

Nevertheless; it's the holidays. Which means, (some) fun! l hope.

Peter Pan promised to take me to a pet stove and a lolly store; that should be awesome! AND a movie :D

and Cam with R xD (nothing kinky, i swear.)

And time to forget, forget forget. Or... pushing to the back of my mind.

Make vids
Draw

TODAY.

2009-09-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hm. i met R a few days ago. She's.... amazing. xD
AND she might be coming over to Australia to study next year. I hope she does. :P I wish there were more people like them that i actually know in real life. But sadly, no. One day though, one day i'll meet y'all and be happy, and have the time of my life. One day. <3

[[loves me, loves me not. loves me, loves me not]]
I just want normality. But i want more as well. WHAT!? i don't know.....
Give me a sign. 'Cos these thoughts have been coming back. With more tactical ways. With more plausible cases. It's more possible. 'Cos i'm more knowledgeable. But i know i can't hurt Ren. Or Anka. Or any of those people. And anyone else that means something to me. I'm stuck.

EUGHHHHHHH.

2009-09-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

SO~ confused.

[[love me, love me not, love me, love me not]]

Day after day goes by. This 'clearness' i felt before was merely the eye of the storm, which I may have already re-entered.

JUST TESTING THIS THING OUT!

2009-09-05T23:04:00.001-07:00

Blogging from MS word…. Kinda weird I think. :P

d(^ 3^)b

I love this animal. Arctic Fox. If I could get reincarnated into an animal I'd be one of these. :D

Or… a wolf. Or a bird :D

Reflections of a Lost&Found Memory

2009-09-05T05:05:00.000-07:00

Just some stuff i've wrote up... so I've decided to put it on here. Old/New Recent/History

Keep you (and me) up to date with my (my?) life

21 June

Sleep.

Sleep awake.

do you hear me

Sad. Lonely

Why do you do it?

i don't know

9 July

No. One! It can be heard

The voices calilng from after, they call your name

And oh, it can be said

As our lives are nearing death

There is one last thing I must say

I'm sorry I was such a disgrace

I'm sorry my existence caused your pain

'Cos all we did was lose and never gain

But this is who I am, and I am me

And this me is not who you want me to be

I can't help being selfish and a dick

And when we are together nothing fits

Your perfection isn't me, with this pain, there is a fee

So I'm sorry who I am is only me

So I will take this medicine

And tell me that it's gonna be OK

I'm not who I am

I'm not who I wanna be

I'll never ever, ever be the same.

15 July

Today I died a little more inside.

Reverted back to an old habit I thought I had ridded myself of.

Will I ever be the same?

Will this ever be right/will they? Can they be?

Define Right.

It feels so good. It always does. No Regrets. (?)

I am too much of a coward, too weak to continue, too weak to end it.

What is this? Will it ever go away?

Anger beyond control.

The want, no, desire, no, Need. to hurt, to destroy, to kill

What? what's this. Masochism, yet not so. sadistic.

T'was close today. I would like to die sometime soon. ~nicht so... meine freunde... ~

And the pain was inviting, it's the only inviting thing left in this god forsaken Hell (hole)

Yet I can't end it all and I can't say goodbye Because I am too Fucking weak.

i know i am>

These cries for hep are useless in a time like this

These cries of help are useless when they're never heard

In a place where no one cares

Why bother to waste your breath

Un-Fucking-Believable.

All that's left is not worth anymore time

Missed you until it hurt like a MFbitch.

(breathe)

Life is still young

Death is far away

But we near it closer everyday.

In times of great pain

We realize who we're close to

But what if that means none at all?

No one to truly call a best friend

No one person to talk to when you have troubles

[edit: this, unfortunately has happened too many times for me to count now. WTF]

What if you feel like you're causing trouble everytime you open your mouth

That you are putting your burdens upon another person

How can you talk to people about things if talking makes you FEEL BAD

How does one still feel cold, even when you're wearing lots in a heated room?

It's the cold feelings inside that sap you away...

17 July

...cut so deep that you could peel off his flesh cleanly to reveal bone, and then some

I know now they exist perfectly fine without my existence so my suicide shouldn't be a problem.

I"d go over, whether they like it or not [edit: probably don't know, don't care]

I'd come home and they can scream all hey like, I'll just start [edit: removed]

Noone understands me, not even [edit: names removed]

What's happened. I no longer have a best friend (?) or even a real close friend (?) I need a real (?) friend.

{again} I'd like to die but I'm too weak.

Slit my wrists, Cut my throat, Suffocation, Drugs?

I can't shoot myself (No Gun) I can't drown myself (Too Weak) I can't do anything.

I just wanna cry. I can't do anything any more.

I can't live in a house where noone knows anything about me

29 July

Holy Hell.

Those people are driving me Insane!

I don't understand why I still go there. But I do.

Out of love.

No, It doesn't fit with my personality. It's not Right.

(30th of July: The Day I Stop Going Crazy [Lies])

Talk to [Name removed] about her crazy friends!!

What is normal...

I don't know. What do you think?

Normal definately does not mean

Conclusion: Take her away from the evilness

Take her on a walk.

Just don't go crazy.

11 August

ToK Presentation (one) was today.

SO good... 17 minutes [edit: 16/20 :D]

Considering... All done the night before. *tired*

Homosexuality: Psychological vs. Biological

I personally believe it's neither and both. :)

Or maybe I'm a freak of nature. Who cares.

21 August - 23 August

40 Hour Famine Weekend.

Giving up: food (only) Lol.

Lockin was *great* apart from the little kids.

guitar/movie (final destination 2)/basketball

food/more food/ Bursting point

watching steven sleep *lol*

26 August

Theory Exam. Was. much better than i thought.

Still. (a week of stress and cramming)

and it wasn't asked.

Could've been studying for chem test (Would I Have Done It Anyway)

29 August

Was Rachel's Birthday.

Went pooling on the 28th. Awesome Fun.

Mad Pictures. Jeryl has Mad Skillz.

Anna Likes to Poke Holes (in the roof)

2 September

ToK Ideas:

- self harm and mutilation

- genetic engineering

- human(ethics)

- organisms(controversy)

- Chicken or the egg? (done)

- HIV AIDS (boring?)

- Concept of New (New) Math

- Chinese Censorship (eg movies)

- the Matrix

History, Arts, Maths, English (shakespearean ?), SoSE (eco: theoretical/moral science?)

5 Septemeber (Today.)

Do you know what's worth Fighting for?

When it's not worth Dying for?

Does it take your Breath away?

And you feel yourself Suffocating?

Another Implication. This one slightly more interesting. didn't go to school on Wednesday. And I already guessed why. But I was not to know for certain. Didn't msg her though. Didn't see her on msn, couldn't talk. Made my suspicion more possible. Still uncertain though.

Thursday (3rd)

Chem Quiz in the morning. :| hard as s***. stayed and persisted. (Y)

Maths test straight after (no recess break for me now...) Easy ... Hell easy compared to that chem thing. (still crap though. Probability sucks) *doodles random crap on math test paper while trying to do a question* Mr T comes in (he wants to talk to me, doesn't he.) Oh, you're doing a test? *lowers voice to talk to S, then walks over* (i knew it, please be about World Vision, Please Please Please) Hey, could you come to L27 after this class, talk to your teacher, I wanna have a chat with you (shit shit shit maybe it's about WV i hope it's about WV just look happy) Sure. Thanks

What's next lesson? *checks* Oh great, chinese. Well i guess i Wouldn't mind missing this lesson to go talk to T I'll just go confirm (waste time) it with Ms T hope she doesn't mind me missing chinese (of course not i'm the teacher's pet *shudders*) Hey, I have to go see Mr T in L27... Sure blah blah blah blah blah Ok! I'll just leave my books here Ok, blah blah blah blah (god i hate her sometimes) *waits outside L27, listens to A rage about something but processes nothing* (just smile and nod) Hey Mr T Hey I'll just be a sec (Oh my gosh... please..... be about WV) Come over here, sit here with me, I won't hurt you, you're not in trouble....

I Already Knew but... I couldn't be sure. We were both in WV Club. So I couldn't be sure. this is about you and Huh? .. you know what i'm talking about Uhh... not really you girls [edit] Oh. Yeah... *goes on to talk, I progressively try harder not to look sad. Just smile and Nod.* ...So is that OK? Just have a talk to her, You're great. Have a good day. (Yeah, Thanks. Great. Ugh. Omg. T_T) -->(which i proceed to do so almost as soon as he leaves. [i leave too])

Oh Hi Alice hi are you ok? you look sad I'm fine are you sure Yes what's wrong Everything, Nothing Don't worry I'm fine

(lunch) Oh my God. (so blind.... should have known: his love leads to mine) Hey matt where's my $10 [blind shit] Hi (shit)

an explanation a rushed hug a long talk a silence of process and a silence of sorrow, understanding, of Oh My God.

A Wait At the Locker. (talk, silence) I cannot look for all I see in those once Bright (Beautiful) Blue Eyes {and upon glancing me a usual spark; happiness} There is Sadness Oh! so much sadness almost drowning that look it's drowning me, it's overwhelming the power of that i Wonder how it works (a transmittance of sad (atoms, electrons, little particle stuff) rush through the air in the direction the eyes look and transplant themselves into the recievers head making them sad, very sad to share the (thoughts) feelings) I Can't Look Into The Face of Pure Sadness (it hurts) I can't Look Anymore (for i am blinded by emotion Biased to my views no idea) A Discussion (an interruption, a lost train of thought) I can't say what i think it makes no sense. It's flowing faster than i can word so I'll just look at you and hope you understand (of course she doesn't, just leave, You're making things worse by being here) Self blame Always (but why) It just is, It all just is, It happens because It does Stop looking for a reason or deeper meaning.

Friday (4th)

Everything is Clear and Unclear at the same time; All emotions are mixed together with thoughts, Everything is Messed up But I don't know what I'm thinking about. Yes and No

I Wanna stay at home until nothing is happening anymore but that won't happen i can't do that

I wanna not do anything I gotta stop hoping, stop trying

Nothing can process in my head it all just spins around in circles, nothing will help it's not concentrating I can't concentrate There is no concentration There is just words Lots and Lots of words Staring at the sentences the same questions over and over Thinking about them but nothing comes to mind except more questions Why How Who What Where When There is no explanation(s) It all Just Is (breathe, noone's force feeding you darling)

A rush of Blood it all comes back every last moment every enjoyable time of day every locked classroom (or not so) every look every touch everything.

Perhaps All i need is a little (or a lot) of time.

FLu SUCKS

2009-08-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

Stuck at home sucks :)

5th day since I got the flu. i've been bored since 10 am. Hopefully I can go back to school tomorrow, (before going insane from boredness, or something) and i'll be ok :)

thank GOD the internet is fast today! by fast, i mean i'm downloading at over 100 kb a second (as opposed to 5 kb/s -.-;) lol Yeah, that's ****ing slow! But it's not that slw atm, so i'm happy :)

But i'm missing my special someone So much that it hurts....

Note to Self (and the world, I suppose...)

2009-07-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

We live on and on, and as we get older we are drawn further into this system, a system of order where no matter what you do you are just... following timetable. Endlessly. As we are getting older, our lives are getting faster. Everything is becoming "new and/or improved". Everything is advancing onwards. But for what? What is the purpose of this ever increasing madness?

Why do we force ourselves to aim higher, look further; to persist, to live? Why. why, why.

2009-07-05T04:45:00.001-07:00

just testing out this ''mail to blog'' thing... seems pretty convenient ^^

xo

Let us help with car news, reviews and more Looking for a new car this winter?

8D Learning is FUN~

2009-07-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah. xD You read right.

Today in Chinese School... I learnt:

Japanese people were once midget pirates
German people are evil and think they're the best in the world
English people are evil and think they own everything
Chinese people are to be felt sorry for because Europeans are so evil towards them
French people are evil cos they beat China in a war

ALL TRUE!!! (according to my teacher) xD

peace out ;]

What's Love? I love you.

2009-06-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

No matter how much I hate the way I am, no matter how much I would rather be different, that does not change the fact that I am in love with the most amazing the person.

She is my light in the darkness of life.
She is the sun through the rain.
She is the light in my tunnel.

What would I give to be with her every waking second; in her arms every dying day.

I Love You.

How can one explain these feelings I feel?
There; showing my mind, inside me-
How can I never know what's for real
If I'm blinded by all that I see?

Counsel me in my depression *wink wink nudge nudge*

Why are Homosexual People so discriminated against? It's amazing what acceptance actually means to some people. "We accept everyone, except ____, ____, and ____. Oh, we also don't tolerate _____ in _____ because that's just not how it's meant to be."
I mean, like, what the hell?! It's mad. And it's not just homosexuals. It's females. Males. People who are different colours. People who like this, or dislike that. Basically, everyone who is not 'in' with it. Or who likes to be a little different. I'm not saying I never discriminate, it's almost impossible not to. I'm saying that it's sad that it is like this. Why do humans behave the way they do? Why are we, as humans, so intolerant, so unaccepting, so god-damn IRRITATING.

I dunno. This rant is a bit illogical. I'm not really making any good points, but i'm just frustrated at the general population, of mostly white angry people. No, i'm not being racist, i'm not a racist, i'm in love with a white girl. I have many white friends. I'm not racist. I'm making a statement that I see to be true on the grounds that people who are most like this are white people. I may be wrong. But this is my opinion. Feel free to make a comment on that. But it's just my opinion.

Love; you are the light at the end of this tunnel I call life.
Love; you are the daylight that ends my night.
Whence you come by you englighten my day,
Giving me hope, willing me to stay,

Just a little longer, so as to feel your touch.
Against my skin, so smooth, so rough.
When i'm with you time seems to just... stop,
And the world ceases spinning. And we just...

How many times can I say 'I Love You'
Without wearing out the meaning?

Though, it is my belief that the word means nothing.
And there never will be a word enough to describe this feeling.

It's more than one feeling. It's happy. It's sad.
It's brilliant. It's painful.
It's tragic. It's glad.

There are too many, yet not enough
Phrases we have
To describe this word

You Will Never Truly Know Until You've Felt It.
That Very First Step.
That Look.
That Embrace.
The First Hug.
The First Kiss.
The Last Regret.
The Life to Live.

To live a life with no regrets,
What would that be like?
We can attempt to start;
But it will come back on us.
So how could we go about this?
It's harder than words.

Words can never describe even close to what one feels.
Words are an expression of thought, yes.
But the depth of which one can think could never be fully portrayed through words.

So take a Deep Breath
And think about the next thing you read.
The ways it can be interpereted.
The perception points

Take a Tree outside.
What do you see?
Imagine to be someone standing exactly opposite you.
What do they see?
It's hard.

Try looking through someone else's eyes through the day.
Imagine you are that person.
Weird.

It's time to go. Retire. Sleep.

Here's one last... I Love You.

Boring Economics Lesson Pt. 1 (Cos I know there are More to Come)

2009-06-05T05:53:00.000-07:00

Wow... Haven't used this in a while xD

School's been pretty hectic, what with exams coming in ... a week, or two, and the work just piling up, and on top of that the.... *coughLEACHEDcough* internet has been taken away so... yeah :P

Going through what's been happening the past few weeks... Made new friends with the German girl and she's pretttyyyyyyyyyyy cool, had a few (or a lot?) of tests for everything all together, and.... i don't. IB makes life just.. study, study study. Oh, there's this kind of, thing going on at school between relationships *ooh drama* as always but it's quite irritating... between a certain guy in my band a certain girl in my homegroup xD that's basically giving it away but i won't put names ^^

So..today in Economics, everything was boring, as per usual. The guys took their position sleeping, as did Bianca, and just decided to write some random... *shit* down. Y'know. Short random "stories" i guess, whatever came to my head.

..."What's your problem?!" she screamed at him before dashing away. This guy, now a depressing, whining... wannabe-emo?! This guy. Now a self-made Loner. "Screw him" she thought, mentally ripping and burning 'old photographs' (memories). "He can go die."

..."What are these feelings...What is this?" She dropped her head into her arms. She was bludging class, as usual, beside her lockers, thinking once again about subjects prone to making her cry. Her Long-time Crush walked by, also bludging, and noticed her crouched there in the corner. "Hey... are you OK?" She looked up, and moaned her name, before bursting into tears, crying until her tears were spent.

...She stood there. Pretending not to notice that girl, hoping she would say hi. Hoping that she would come over. She noticed her sitting down, and refrained from going over there herself. She turned around and stood stiffly. A few long minutes past, and she could not restrain herself from glancing back again... but she had already gone. "I did it again..." she thought, bitter tears choking up her throat as she closed her eyes.

ADios Amigos. Blogging later. =)

It's like Drowning (under Books & Papter)

2009-05-25T05:54:00.000-07:00

Just a blog to keep this thing alive... it seems like the homework is eating me... too much! i better get back to it before it does it me..

Wasting my time (Chinese school SUCKS)

2009-05-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

Crossexamination

To look and see death in everyone's eyes,
To visualize death using everything you see,
Death in its most hideous form.

This paranoia eats live -
This brain mutilating, thought devouring monster.
Paranoiac; driven insane.

Perspective

Everyone's perspective, differs.
what I see in me is different to what you see in me;
What I see in you is different to what you see in you.
You know not of my secrets, and vice-versa;
But I know not of my own; either.

Are You Sh***ing Yourself?

Birth (almost Death)
Blame
The Unspeakable
Depression
Suicide - Knife Incident
Jumping off the Main Building
Santa Claus
Sailor Moon
Girls/Boys
Love
Lust
Shame
The Dark Room
Regret ♪Roujyou ni futari no taihai wa ♪
Let Down
Blame
Marriage/Divorce
Futures
Sisters
Abuse
Blood
Vater
Hatred
Thoughts
Anger
Attention
Destruction
Loss
Music
Revolution
Insanity
Sex
The BloodLust
Dying Shame
Violence
Where's The Peace?
Interaction
Insufficiency
The World Is Dying
Universal
Insignificance
Others?
Family? Friends?
Pain/Suffering
For What?
Unworthy
Runaway
Lazy
Fat
Understand?
Questions
~~Answers~~
Sharps
Clarity
Confusion
Failure.

could...would...should...

2009-05-06T01:04:00.000-07:00

and i should've walked those ten steps...
and i could've got up for you

i should've went and gave it to you
i could've went for you

and i shouldn't have left it so long...
and i'd have gone, if you weren't gone

i should've came back, for you
i could've chased after you.

and it screams; Let me Out

2009-05-05T02:18:00.000-07:00

well.... what can i say... just my mind screaming out random thoughts and phrases, references... etc.
This is gonna be weird.

beautiful boy...
and everytime i think that, i think of that old, fat man who goes down on that beautiful boy...

forgotten, lost
and destroyed, hopefully never to return. of course, it always does. you can't reaaaaaally ever fully forget something, there's always a reminder there, reminding you of what you did.

the mistakes i made linger, like scars upon a broken back, like a brain-damaged being who's yet to be discovered. they hang about, an aura that warns people off before they ever knew me, before they ever get a chance to meet me. it warns them off, like a cat to a dog, like danger to a sane man. it's an instinct, a driving force from deep within the unconscious part of people.

the mistakes i made stay, a reminder of everything i done, everything i spoke, an everyday curse upon my head, my body, my actions and thoughts. they drive me, push me further deep into this... this nightmare of disillusionment.

so this pain i feel, what is it? is it a drug, or a lust, or merely just... pain.
so this pain i feel, why is it? is it for attention, for satisfaction, or merely just... pain.
so this pain i feel, how is it? is it burdening, is it saddening, or merely just... pain.
so this pain i feel, where is it? is it in my head, on my body, or merely just the pain.

the pain, it swallows me whole? or is it a mental affliction, tearing up inside of me.
gasping up for air, from my lungs
craving more, and more, until one day...

talk.
it's what we do. it's what we're good at.
it makes us feel good. it makes us feel bad.
it makes us relaxed. it makes us worry.
it lets out our emotions. it hides what we feel.

is there really ever a day where all truth pours from ones mouth?
is there really ever a day where all that comes from one is a torrent of lies?

*showerbreak*

...and the full impact of what he said last night just hit me.

Ho, Hum.

2009-05-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

started making his way past two in the morning...

Here's another chapter auf meine leben. It's only first week back at school, but i've already been bogged down with homework........ when will I get used to this?!

It's bloody 2am. I can't sleep. I've been doing nothing but play guitar and study. and sing...

the highlight of my day? talking to maria! if only he was online

worded memories, wasted days

would you fly forever to see me here

or would you leave the way you came,

will night wash me away
fade me into the darkness

or will it bring me closer to you
with these hidden words we send

it only brings me closer to you
each line, each message, each thought
every word with every meaning
each subtly relaying one message
to you and you only

i love you.

No school today!

2009-04-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

WOOT. No school today ^^

But instead of going out, i'm stuck at home doing homework! HOORAH for the IB. Finished MathsC, physics work worksheet, now i've finished... physics prac report and maths a homework!

wow. so productive today.no sarcasm intended

BUT OH CRAPPY! i've snapped my guitar string, and i thought i had a spare, but i don't~ !!! =[ =[ =[

;ALSIEU;ALCKSE;PO38IEF;S203UOi(u#$oiewup!oqwejd:lk#)$*(&@&*yprufh

oh man. started out like, WOO, no school, gonna get homework done! (Y)

now it's 9 pm. and i'm thinking. wow. what the hell happened. =.=

''i'm in love with a boy but he's nowhere near me, he's far overseas, far far from me
so i sit here each day and slowly waste away while i wait for him to talk to me"

What? What's that? You want to do it again?

2009-04-28T06:52:00.001-07:00

Well.. about.. a year and a half or so ago, I swore I wouldn't write poetry and lyrics. Screw that! Though... this stuff won't exaaaaaaaaactly be either ^^

Some random..thoughts.::

and she's more beautiful than ever,
every picture, a reminder of what we once had
every sight, a torturous glance of what we'll never be

beautiful, terrible as sin...

ignorance sure is a bliss
but you've forgotten the bliss and made it into a chore
and with every ounce of effort you make to forget me
you only end up remembering me more

I'm sleepy now. it's 1:38 am. and i'm talking to one of the most amazing persons i've ever met. i love you <3

night, world.

...the Usual Routine.

2009-04-28T04:09:00.000-07:00

Back at school again, after two weeks of (blissful?) holidays. It's day two, and i've already been proud, disappointed, let down, annoyed, pleased, relaxed, stressed, worried... the list goes on. Sleep is getting to me again... but then again, I didn't sleep well in the holidays at all :P

Yesterday... got maths test results back, 93.33333333333%! :P I was so so happy xD
And then, 18/25 for English! ^^ Hm.. but then so much stress over the physics prac report.. that got extended anyway. THE 'A' PEOPLE... though... can't believe they changed the results without telling us... =[ Oh well.. I should stop relying so heavily on other people. FINALLY caught the bus again after what seems like FOREVER! T'was good, but I just so happened to be sitting in front of... HER , who sat next to Bee. And Kels came and sat down next to me... Bee seemed so bored, because Alex wasn't talking at all. I felt a bit awkward... Whatever. She can screw up her friendships.. and be as antisocial as she wants 'cos I'm giving up caring xD, or at least trying anyway!

Tuesday. Chemistry first up! My disgraceful score... 3/12 T_T I vow to do better next time... but I somehow doubt that I will. I don't know what i'm going to do about this... On the other hand, Little-miss Ignorance manages to annoy the hell out of me again by existing. And thn you have someone like KEXI who is just too awesome.... but she worries too much. I wish she wouldn't.

A lot of the time I feel like noone's there, that gets me. Yet I also feel like, I can't explain my feelings or thoughts to anyone. I feel......... averted, yet drawn to people at the same time. I know that makes no sense, i'm not trying to make it comprehensible, nor will I try to do that.

♪...'cos I've missed you so bad,
I've missed you so, so bad.
And I need you so bad,
I need you so, so bad.

Skittles <3 Jedi <3 xD

2009-04-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

Haha.... i'm addicted to Skittles! I'm going to be dead when they run out. But luckily me and Kels didn't get two bags.... otherwise i'd be so sick right now xD

Yesterday was kinda cool.... just following someone around all day and chilling out at Marion x] Then watching a movie... and going back to her place and pigging out on sugar. :D I love getting out, and forgetting about homework and family. But of course.... you always have to go home at some point. I still managed to stay up texting her 'til about... 2 am :)

Today was my sister's 13th.... some birthday. She went out, came home, and sat in front of the computer all day. Didn't even want to get a cake when my mum offered. Strange kid.

My dad just randomly showed up today, wished my sister a Happy Birthday, yadada, with some strange clothes and supposedly expensive gifts. I wonder if he's ever gonna tell us, or at least me. Or maybe he thinks that he can get away with it... who knows.

On another note... our (Erebus) entry form for Battle of the bands has been put in! I can't wait to hear what they think... and I hope that they'll get back to us soon...

Now... i haven't discussed this with the band yet... but i'm hoping we can get an EP done before i turn 16 and a full album before i turn 17 >:] Matt's not going to be happy ... >:]

Welll........... I should really get back to some homework... Chem test week 1 Friday ><

through the course of things...

2009-04-22T02:31:00.000-07:00

well well. Pat: i'm sorry <3 i hope that you'll be feeling better soon... i don't really know what i can say. I feel absolutely hopeless when... things happen and yeah. I never know what to say or anything... but just know. that my thoughts are with you... *sigh* i suck at this.

um... got 3/4 hours of sleep last night/this morning, but i don't regret it... and throughout the course of today i've felt increasingly averted to socializing.

and ugh. everyday i swear.. i hate my family more. the irritating... selfishness... stubborn... grr. I can't wait to get out of here...

Hm.. i dont' really have much else to say right now. Too annoyed. <3uPp-P

first blog

2009-04-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

well firstly.... LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this will just be a random... "blog" of notes. from whenever i start to whenever i finish

first blog page was... *facepalm*

uhh. its 2:40 am. i'm lying in bed talking to pat. :D

everyone else has gone to bed, naturally.

er... i'm on twitter, saying just about the same things.

i'm on... facebook. playing bloodlines COS OF STUPID JOEL :D

i'm really hungry.

just finished reading part of a harry/edward fic ;)

it reminds me of ... i'm not really sure
but something that i've heard before...

ahemmmmm i'm worth what......HOLY SHET $113,244 LOL

mm its'... wednesday morning...
i'm missing school... missing the people...
missing a lot of things actually
i liked how things were a few months back, but now i can see what people truly are like. and i wouldn't go back to living a lie? i'm not sure. noone is what they seem anymore.
change? i don't like it. i can deal with it though.
music! is my life. my band. is my life. but matt is one of the most irritating people i know. MY GOD!
UGH. i'm sore all over. i swear i will never carry my guitar around the city for 3 hours again. it canes like a mofo* :L

pat's off to bed. which means i should definately be off to bed soon........after the hellogoodbye album finishes downloading ;)

....well best be off. 3:47 am. i gotta get up at 7. ****.

Empty Dreams (and random thoughts).

Graduation

Rage

The End.

Wednesday

Honestly

Inception

Avenged foREVer.

Uni!

Hehehehehe

Ugh.

WHAT THE JAZZ?!

Freeze!

Piano

'Round again 'round again circles

Awwwwhh (: ++ Formal!!

Reminiscent.

Ugh. Enough.

Sudden Realization

You're Icecream

Accomplished?

...

...and again?

This...

Mmmmmm

Lonerrrrrrrr

It's getting out of control;

...

Cold

Ink

****

cyclical redundancy error

*sigh/

aslkdjflkasjfasj;sljeiei88333j!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!

told you so...

...

sin(90)

the signs of frustration

F.M.L.

inspired by Matt

Random thought... as the story goes.

i hate to dream

pain [peyn]

Fear

:\

Ugh.

:OOOOOOOOOOOO

Music...

Just a thought..

happy birthdayy too meeeeee

Blahhhh.

Boredom/Procrastination

random story part...

I'm Meltingggggggg..............

A long day... but it's almost the weekend...

New music, new day, old habits

Happy Halloween!!!

If it could happen...

Ouch.

"black flowers blossom...."

Wow. One Year and Counting...

Sing with me...

WARNING: Contains Typos. Many, many typose.

Uhm....

*hum*// la la la!

END of term 3 :)

TODAY.

EUGHHHHHHH.

JUST TESTING THIS THING OUT!

Reflections of a Lost&Found Memory

FLu SUCKS

Note to Self (and the world, I suppose...)

8D Learning is FUN~

What's Love? I love you.

Boring Economics Lesson Pt. 1 (Cos I know there are More to Come)

It's like Drowning (under Books & Papter)

Wasting my time (Chinese school SUCKS)

could...would...should...

and it screams; Let me Out

hum// la la la!